Taken from the News Board
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said
"Come on over, there's nobody home,"
I went over. Nobody was home.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to
talk to me. Just the other night she called
me from a hotel.
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One day as I came home early from work ...
I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...
"Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early,"
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Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I
picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I was such an ugly kid........When I played
in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I was such an ugly baby...My mother never
breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
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I'm so ugly...My father carries around the
picture...of the kid who came with his wallet. *********
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father.....I'm
very sorry.......We did everything we could......But he pulled through.
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I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness.......AFTER I was born.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they
sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Once when I was lost...... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him.... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
'He said. "I don't know kid..there are so many
places they can hide."
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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
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I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big would I get.
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I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the
mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but
your eyesight is perfect."
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I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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