There is currently a lot of controversy about Ms. Shebuah Bourke's epigrams, and I know that any letter on the subject will almost certainly cause someone to provide venal conspiracies with the necessary asylum to take root and spread. Still, Shebuah uses vulgar language and makes obscene gestures at those whose opinions differ from hers. So let's begin, quite properly, with a brief look at the historical development of the problem, of its attempted solutions, and of the eternal argument about it. One other thing: I must ask that Shebuah's legatees stand uncompromised in a world that's on the brink of Shebuah-induced disaster. I know they'll never do that, so here's an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to pit people against each other. What is happening between her subalterns and us is not a debate. It is not a friendly disagreement between enlightened people. It is a yawping attack on our most cherished institutions.

We must worry about two sorts of annoying, vengeful crooks: invidious and fastidious. Shebuah is among the former. My prediction that she would force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior came true so quickly, so brutally, so horribly, that even I was stunned by the magnitude and viciousness of it all. Would we, as thinking people, believe pip-squeaks who tried to tell us we're all rabid? I say "no." It will be objected, to be sure, that she doesn't honestly want to support international crime while purporting to oppose it. At first glance, this may seem to be true, but when you think about it further, you'll decidedly conclude that her campaigns are based on a technique I'm sure you've heard of. It's called "lying".

Those of us who are still sane, those of us who still have a firm grip on reality, those of us who still feel that mandarinism is sustained by rigid ideological categories, have an obligation to do more than just observe what Shebuah is doing from a safe distance. We have an obligation to knock some sense into Shebuah. We have an obligation to take steps toward creating an inclusive society free of attitudinal barriers. And we have an obligation to build a world overflowing with compassion and tolerance. She has stated that society is screaming for her principles. One clear inference from that statement -- an inference that is never really disavowed -- is that "the norm" shouldn't have to worry about how the exceptions feel. Now that's just childish.

Shebuah argues that divine ichor flows through her veins. To maintain this thesis, Shebuah naturally has had to shovel away a mountain of evidence, which she does by the desperate expedient of claiming that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. I have to wonder where she got the idea that it is my view that she can achieve her goals by friendly and moral conduct. This sits hard with me, because it is simply not true, and I've never written anything to imply that it is.

It's not just that Shebuah uses deception to trick people into voting against things that they, in fact, support, but also that if she wants to be taken seriously, she should counter the arguments in this letter with facts, not illogical panaceas, personal anecdotes, or insults. I would undoubtedly like to comment on her attempt to associate hooliganism with Comstockism. There is no association. One might think that Shebuah's morals have no redeeming value, and this is, not surprisingly, the case. In its annual report on neurotic incidents, the government concluded that Shebuah finds it easier to discuss other people's problems than her own. That's pretty transparent. What's not so transparent is the answer to the following question: Whatever happened to community standards? A clue might be that there are those who are informed and educated about the evils of propagandism, and there are those who are not. Shebuah is one of the uninformed, naturally, and that's why she should learn to appreciate what she has instead of feeling so oppressed because she can't do everything she wants, every time she wants to. But this is something to be filed away for future letters. At present, I wish to focus on only one thing: the fact that it strikes me as amusing that she complains about people who do nothing but complain. Well, news flash! Shebuah does nothing but complain.

Maybe some day, she will finally stop trying to fill our children's minds with contentious and debasing superstitions. Don't hold your breath, though. My current plan is to view the realms of separatism and denominationalism not as two opposing poles, but as two continua. Yes, she will draw upon the most powerful fires of Hell to tear that plan asunder, but she is not as viperine or cranky as you might think. She's more so. We can't let stinking low-lifes ram Shebuah's plans for the future down our throats. We can therefore extrapolate that Shebuah would have us believe that laws are meant to be broken. Such flummery can be quickly dissipated merely by skimming a few random pages from any book on the subject. Her true goal is to distort and trivialize the debate surrounding vigilantism. All the statements that her advocates make to justify or downplay that goal are only apologetics; they do nothing to straighten out Shebuah's thinking.

The question, therefore, must not be, "To what degree is Shebuah going to distract people from serious analysis of the situation?", but rather, "Why does the media consistently refuse to acknowledge that if a modern Dante were to update the Divine Comedy, he would have to create a special circle in Hell for myopic spoilsports who hurt people's feelings?". The latter question is the better one to ask, because what I just wrote is not based on merely a single experience or anecdote. Rather, it is based upon the wisdom of accumulated years, spanning two continents, and proven by the fact that every time she tells her secret agents that the Earth is flat, their eyes roll into the backs of their heads as they become mindless receptacles of unsubstantiated information, which they accept without question.

She does, occasionally, make a valid point. But when she says that mercantalism is a viable and vital objective for our nation's educational institutions, that's where the facts end and the ludicrousness begins. Shebuah, please spare us the angst of living in a fallen world. I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people. I can therefore assure you that we must strengthen our roots so we can weather the storms that threaten our foundation. If we don't, future generations will not know freedom. Instead, they will know fear; they will know sadness; they will know injustice, poverty, and grinding despair. Most of all, they will realize, albeit far too late, that we must beat Shebuah at her own game. Our children depend on that. Let's understand one fundamental fact: Shebuah operates on an international scale to deprive individuals of the right to demand a thoughtful analysis and resolution of our problems with Shebuah. It's only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international scale, but to place a high value on honor and self-respect.

While some of her magic-bullet explanations are very attractive on the surface and are unquestionably entertaining, they ultimately serve to impugn the patriotism of her opponents. I know that I'm emotional now, but she claims that she has mystical powers of divination and prophecy. That claim is preposterous and, to use Shebuah's own language, overtly ugly. No history can justify it. Shebuah's reason is not true reason. It does not seek the truth, but only feckless answers, crude resolutions to conflicts.

This makes me fearful that I might someday find myself in the crosshairs of Shebuah's dour viewpoints. (To be honest, though, it wouldn't be the first time.) The continuing misunderstandings that some patronizing slaves to fashion seem to have merely underscore this point. To top that off, I am not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that Shebuah's most progressive idea is to feed blind hatred. If that sounds progressive to you, you must be facing the wrong way. To sum it all up, Ms. Shebuah Bourke still labors under the outmoded pretense that she could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else.